Stain removal is making a sex video to send to my cheating boyfriendan art form, and one that few have actually mastered.
That's why I turn to YouTube to get my stain removal needs satisfied. I've spent years trying everything to get the stains off my clothes. I've gone through multiple Tide to Go pens, which are supposed to erase away most stains (they don't). I have poured half-bottles of detergent on my wine-soaked sheets. Beautiful bottles of club soda have been wasted on carpet stains, all for nothing.
Despite all my efforts, I'm nowhere near as talented as the people who showcase their stain remove techniques on YouTube. These people have skill. Their mastery of stain removal is seemingly unmatched. I don't even care if their stain removal videos are doctored -- I'm here for the magic of it all.
Watching these videos, I find peace. It's possible you might as well.
SEE ALSO: How one woman found an unlikely support network in the pimple popping communityYouTube already has plenty of communities dedicated to the the art of cleansing. There's are pimple popping videos that explore the art of acne eradication and attract millions of followers. Of course, there's Marie Kondo, the master tidy-upper who, in addition to her Netflix show, maintains an an active YouTube presence. But it's not just Kondo -- there are multiple YouTubers who routinely share cleaning tips.
Here's where you can capture your full stain removal high:
Extreme home stain removal with the master herself, Martha Stewart
I live for the opening line of this video: "Have you ever squirted a cherry tomato on the front of your blouse?" It's so quintessentially Martha -- the use of the word blouse, the garden vegetable.
What makes Stewart's video, which she made with a garment care specialist, so good is that there's no bullshit attempt to be organic. This is the real, hard, chemical shit. And it's good.
Magical mineral stain removal from a guy who likes to just "fix stuff"
Make fun of toilet stain removal videos all you want, the proof is in the numbers, baby -- over 9 million people have watched this video made by YouTuber R.J. The Bike Guy. And for good reason. It is one of the most deeply enjoyable stain removal videos on the internet.
Time after time, I've sat on ancient toilets cursed with mineral stains and wondered how I could help. RJ the Bike Guy shows how. All it takes is cleaning vinegar, toilet paper, and patience.
This is stain removal poetry.
A deep fabric stain cleanse
What I like about this video, starring YouTuber Akiyiakelly, is that it makes liberal use of my favorite stain removal product, Dawn. In my experience, Dawn works far better than Tide to Go pens. I'm also more likely to have it just lying around the house.
This YouTuber puts extreme amounts of personality into her stain removal video. She dedicates a full 17 minutes, 41 seconds, to stain removal from fabric chairs. 17. Full. Minutes. That's a feat.
Blood stain, begone!
This might be my favorite video on the list. First of all, the YouTuber does a successful job of not eliminating just a regular blood stain, but a driedblood stain. This is the height of stain removal.
Bonus: the narrator of this video has a pitch perfect and deeply soothing stain removal voice.
One-ingredient grass stain removal
This video may not seem like much on the surface, but it's worth a full watch. The grass stain is removed with just one -- one! -- simple ingredient.
As much as you all might beg me, I won't give any stain removal spoilers, so I highly recommend you check it out on your own time.
A heroic red wine stain removal
I audibly gasped when I came to the end of this video, which includes baking soda, peroxide, and a perfect amount of dabbing.
Sure, over a minute of it is dedicated to watching the stain dry. But watching a stain dry is a far better kinesthetic experience than watching paint dry *simply because* it looks like magic.
I watched my mother tear apart our carpet for years with underperforming carpet stain removers. This baking soda and peroxide solution puts those toxic cleaners we once used to shame.
Slimy dog diarrhea removal
I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I watch slimy dog diarrhea videos in my spare time. That being said, I have nothing but respect for this one. Dog stain removal is an exceptionally hard thing to do. I grew up in a house where my parents routinely fed the dog cheese, so trust me, I know.
There are multiple steps to this video but it's worth the effort if you've got a nasty turd stain on your hands.
Stain removal: A YouTube parody
This particular video is a rare thing: a parody video of stain removal videos. You have to be deep in the stain removal community to fully understand it.
Nail polish drama
Multiple roommates of mine have destroyed my living room rug from painting their nails on the damn floor.
The initial stain in this video is extremely bad, which makes the final stain removal even more satisfying. Watch until the very end.
Transformational armpit content
There are *a lot* of armpit stain removal videos on YouTube and I've watched more than I'm willing to admit publicly. Still, what I like about Sarah Murdoch's video is that it doesn't involve any fancy ingredients -- just salt, water, and a little bit of skill.
The hottest mayonnaise removal video on the web
I'm not sure what compels someone to make a six minute video about mayonnaise stain removal, but I'm so glad this exists.
God bless this man for being so open about dripping a chicken salad sandwich on his shirt. Who among us hasn't?
The conclusion is so satisfying.
Mattress purification
Before this video, I didn't know this kind of stain removal was possible. I use a mattress with this kind of stain and have spent years hiding it from my partners by always agreeing to make the bed myself.
There's nothing more quietly pleasurable then watching this particular video, or any video on this list. I recommend you check at least a few of them out in your spare time.
They'll cleanse your house -- and your soul.
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