This post is ?????? ???? ?????part of Mashable's Masturbation Week. May is National Masturbation Month, so we're celebrating by exploring the many facets of self-love.
So you want to talk about masturbation, but you don't want to say "masturbation."
First, have you considered just saying "masturbation?" It's a fine and good word to say; plus, it's gender-free! But if you reallycan't do it — or if you're some kind of slang aficionado — you'll be thrilled to know that there are dozens of unusual euphemisms for masturbation at your disposal.
SEE ALSO: Actual things you can do to bridge the orgasm gap in your own bedroomWe've compiled a selection of 50 for you here, all from the deep tunnels of our blessed internet. Some of these images are specific to female masturbation, and some are specific to male masturbation. (We need more terms that aren't just for men, to be honest.) Some are not specific at all. And some are so deeply confusing that we simply do not know to which body parts they are referring. But maybe you do. In that case, can you let us know?
1. Poaching the egg
2. Shaking hands with the milkman
3. Manual override
4. Marching the penguin
5. Double clicking
6. Polishing the banister
7. Petting the cat
8. Lone Rangering
9. Boxing the one-eyed champ
10. Celebrating Palm Sunday
11. Nulling the void
12. Visiting the safety deposit box
13. Orbiting Venus
14. Finding Nemo
15. Cuffing the carrot
16. Cooking cucumbers
17. Dialing the rotary phone
18. Taking the self-guided tour
19. Playing five-on-one
20. Making waffles
21. Doing a Meg Ryan
22. Downstairs DJ
23. Turning on the sprinklers
24. Shucking the corn
25. Softening the peach
26. Spearing the bearded clam
27. Paddling the pink canoe
28. DIY
29. Scratching Yoda behind the ears
30. Trolling the Bermuda Triangle
31. Taking selfies at The Bean
32. Dotting the "i"
33. Burping the worm
34. Tapping into your potential
35. Giving yourself a hand
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- How to change up your masturbation routine for hotter, better self-love
- The best female masturbation positions that aren't like the ones you see in porn
- How to make your masturbation session as pleasurable as possible
36. Rotating the drive head
37. Keynoting in Cupertino
38. Taking your talents to South Beach
39. Auditioning the finger puppets
40. Badgering the witness
41. Making soup
42. Preparing the monologue
43. Rosing (thanks, Titanic)
44. Clicking the home page
45. Drilling for oil
46. Engaging in safe sex
47. Singing soprano
48. Debugging the hard drive
49. Minding the gap
50. Watching the Magic Mike: XXL trailer
Happy euphemising. We hope it's a real pleasure.
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UPDATE: May. 15, 2023, 12:06 p.m. AEST This article was originally published in May 2018, and has been updated in May 2023.
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