Have you ever made decision,bisexual speedo sex videos only to immediatelybe struck with the thought "oh, I fucked up?" Yeah, that's what it's like when you touch your tongue to the dusty tip of the world's spiciest tortilla chip.
So scratch that record, and freeze that frame, because you're probably wondering how I got here. It all started like most horrible life choices do, with a viral internet challenge.
If you're into watching influencers perform masochistic tasks for the #views, you may have stumbled across some poor souls attempting the "One Chip Challenge" from Paqui.
The chip is peppered with an "insane amount" of seasoning made from real Carolina reaper peppers, which are certified by the Guinness World Records as the world’s hottest chili pepper. This year, the #OneChipChallenge is back with a vengeance. It features a blue corn tortilla chip with the Reaper pepper, and just to add that little extra oomph, scorpion chile pepper, and chipotle pepper powder.
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable SEE ALSO: Lobster Roll and Watermelon Salad ASMR "For the last two years, we’ve received everything from love letters and polite requests, to absolutely desperate pleas for us to bring back the #OneChipChallenge,” said Paqui Brand Manager Caitlin Moralic. I cannot imagine why. While Paqui has a line of adequately spicy chips fit for everyday consumption, their fans wanted to "test themselves with even more realpeppers and realheat." Real heat? What was I even eating before?
This year, the death chip costs $6.99 and "looks as deadly as it tastes". I should know — I ate the little hell spawn and lived to tell the tale.
When my editor leaned over casually one day and asked "do you like spicy food?" I didn't even give it a second thought. Of course! I add extra pepper flakes to my spicy ramen, eat the hottest hot wings on any given BBQ wing menu, and even though Cuban food isn't particularly hot, I'll put Sriracha in my picadillo.
But I was young and naive then, with no idea what I'd just signed up for. I was suddenly agreeing to taste the world's spiciest chip, and you know what? Total confidence. Oh, the hubris of man.
Curious, I started clicking around, and encountered dozens of videos of YouTubers screaming, crying, jumping on chairs, throwing up, and overall ruining their mascara, all within secondsof putting the chip in their mouths. My ego instantly deflated. I'm really gonna have to do this, huh?
But the moment of truth had come. Suddenly, me and my coworker and partner in death Harry were at work, unboxing the tiny coffins and reading the instructions attached with lots of skulls and crossbones. We get it, it's suffering time. Don't remind me.
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable After watching the video, you're probably thinking to yourself,"Sage, you really handled that like a champ.But how was the aftermath?"
In a word, bad. After going through the worst five minutes of stomach pain of my life ("capsaicin cramps" are no joke) I frantically Googled in search of some kind of remedy. On a webpage meant to prep people for extreme eating challenges, the section on spicy food seemed to have one conclusive tip for consuming anything hotter than a Ghost Pepper: just don't. Gee, thanks internet.
All in all, am I glad that I proved I could take on the challenge? Yes. Do I have full bragging rights, only applicable for a fun anecdote at parties? Yes. Was it worth it? Absolutely not. It didn't even taste that good.
No amount of clout is worth the pain. Leave that chip in hell where it belongs.