Fresh Hell
The best dispatches from our grim new reality
Jason Arias o
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T and AI
Here in the future, every desire is on the market, every niche perversity is met with designer kink, every potential contortion of the libido can be satisfied by the tireless pleasure-bots of the information superhighway—and it is loathsome. With so many things to be, who wants to become any of them? CivitAI, the bespoke porn site where users can design models limited only by their own leering animus, reports that the AI image-generating design “Erect Horse Penis,” which configures images of women with erect horse penises as their genitalia, has been downloaded sixteen thousand times, outpacing another popular program, “Cock on Head,” which is what is sounds like. Both have proved less enduring than “Realistic Vaginas – Innie Pussy,” and “Instant Cumshot,” though users have complained that any attempt to insert basic humanity into the prurient hyper-heteronormative hub by typing, say, “Hand on Hips” breaks the model, resulting in balls with no penis 100 percent of the time. Knowing that the real singularity would be non-consensual scans of Jennifer Lawrence as a horny centaur, Charles Babbage might’ve thought twice. A study in Computers in Human Behavior has found that the public is by and large uneasy with AI-generated art even when they can’t tell the difference, and subscriber-based purveyors of digital iniquity like Mage source their specs from every available morsel of online detritus, so beware: the erect horse penis you filesave may be your own.
Where There’s Smoke
In an attempt to regain their ashy luster in the era of vaping, the tobacco industry is looking to go viral. Hestia brand cigarettes, not available in stores, is turning to influencers to shill its heady, slickly-packaged carcinogen, advertising via Instagram and word-of-mouth from such hipster epitomes as blogger Meg Superstar Princess and party photographer Cobrasnake, as well as on podcasts like Red Scare. With mainstream ads for cigarettes restricted in most of the country, it was only a matter of time before smoking went underground. But the real outrage here is the ongoing disenfranchisement of Joe Camel, last seen selling cigarette butts in a Friendly’s parking lot in Duluth.
Very Ape
The inevitable and oddly satisfying decline of crypto and NFTs continues, as investors sue the Sothebys auction house for inflating the price of Bored Ape Yacht Club blockchain art and lending it an air of legitimacy (make-believe-art spoke-cretins Jimmy Fallon, Madonna, Paris Hilton, and Gwyneth Paltrow have also faced legal challenges). The banal, clip-art-quality primates netted Sothebys $24.4 million during its “Ape In!” auction of 2021, since which time Bored Ape creator Yaga Labs has been mired in legal trouble, accused of taking advantage of gullible hoarders whose impulsive purchasing habits might have been better served by a nice James Ensor print or a Thomas Kinkade original. Meanwhile, in the annals of lawsuits, Taco Bell is facing an uphill battle to secure the trademark to “taco Tuesdays,” currently held by Jersey Shore restaurateur Gregory Gregory, who, in addition to allegedly coining the phrase in 1979, once killed a bear with a bow-and-arrow from thirty feet away. His premises are reportedly haunted by two ghosts, a fish soup-loving specter named Uncle Eddie, and a lady of the night who was stabbed to death in the restaurant/bar’s bordello days. Our hope is that Gregory Gregory and his friends from the other side prevail, lest fast food come for the other six days of the week. Focaccia Fridays, you’ve been forewarned.
War Drobe
A Korean streetwear company has licensed Lockheed Martin, the world’s biggest arms dealer, for a couture line of baggy pants, beanies, and shirts emblazoned with fighter jets. Lockheed Martin, which supplied the United States with a bomb that killed forty children riding the school bus in Yemen earlier this month, is just the latest cornerstone of the military-industrial complex to turn bloodshed into a fashion statement, as Howitzer Clothing has been churning out grisly patriotism festooned with dripping bald eagles and tutti-frutti camo shirts (all the better to hide from the snipers who inhabit every frozen yogurt booth) for years. Imagine when the Met Gala gets wind of all this and chooses their new theme, Chic Fatigues: Fashion Victims and Civilian Casualties on Parade.
Pharma in the Dell
The pharmaceutical industry is bowing to pressure from environmentalists to cease testing vaccines and medical devices on horseshoe crabs, whose blue blood has long been instrumental in manufacturing injectable drugs and medical devices. With synthetic substitutes now widely available, there’s even more impetus to completely eliminate animal testing—and we’re getting there, if the recent liberation of four thousand beagles from a Virginia testing facility is any indication. In another tale of animals enduring beastly treatment, a former teacher from Leicestershire, on trial after being filmed punching a pony named Bruce Almighty in the face, has gone into hiding, claiming that her life has been “torn to pieces” following media attention over the incident. With any luck, the jury will rule on an eye-for-an-eye punishment. The scales won’t be balanced until humans are ridden bareback across racetracks while a crowd of Shetlands and Bowzers bet on the likes of Perpetual Intern, Viral Video Clip, and Almond Joyride. See how you like it, domesticator.