Give us a nice thing,金瓶梅 ポルノ映画 and we shall ruin it!
It's been less than a month since Animal Crossing: New Horizons graced the world with its wholesome presence. The delightful island-set, sandbox game from Nintendo has inspired stunning user creations, beautiful fan art, and heartfelt homages to other pop culture worlds we love.
But it has also brought out the cursed, the horrid, and the truly terrifying.
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There are the atrocities we've committed, like trapping our neighbors, attacking visitors with axes, and amassing huge collections of tarantulas to sell to children for profit. And then there are the institutional terrors: the unexplained mysteries and disturbing evidence indicating a seedy underbelly to the "paradise" we've come to call our own.
From haunting speculation to alarmingly believable explanations, here are 9 of the darkest ACNHfan theories to ruin the last escape any of us have.
9. K.K. Slider is an unabashed nudist.
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Turns out, K.K. Slider brought his clout — and his junk — to liven up your island.
As numerousAnimal Crossing lovers have observed, the world renowned musician (the importance of whose arrival structures a good portion of initial gameplay) rolls up to players' neighborhoods wearing zero clothing. While you and your neighbors don shoes, socks, pants, shirts, hats, backpacks, and more, this pup is rolling in 100 percent pure K.K. Dude isn't even wearing a collar.
Yes, his most important "bits" are covered by his guitar... but his arrivals and departures must provide some sort of peek behind the curtain. Is that why everyone loves him? Is that why Tom Nook loves him? Is that what "The K Funk" really means??
8. Every "free" gift you get carries a terrible, inescapable curse.
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For a faraway island with limited resources, Animal Crossing sure does offer you a lot of free stuff. But what if those items come at a terrible cost?
Of course, no one can prove a direct correlation between present acceptance and bad in-game luck. Still, it does seem like once you're handed an awesome addition for your house — a record player, a neon sign, a tasteful bidet, etc. — your resource collecting goes straight to shit. It's sort of a Monkey's Pawsituation. (No offense to Tammi, Monty, Simon, and the like.)
7. Gulliver is the victim of multiple murder attempts.
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Plenty of us have gotten blackout drunk, fallen off a ship, and washed up on the shores of a mysterious island. But no one does that once every few days!
Whether you enjoy helping Gulliver reassemble his communicator or find his repeat presence a nuisance, you have to admit there is something very suspicious about what's happening to this seagull. Not only do his shipmates never seem eager to pick him up, they don't appear to have come up with any system to avoid his "accidents" in the first place. It's all highly suspect.
6. Tom Nook is a loan shark and he's coming for you.
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As the old saying goes: Well-behaved raccoons seldom make history.
Although players serve as the most influential townspeople in ACNH, there's no denying sugar daddy Tom Nook is the one who makes island living possible. He provides critical explanations, assigns crucial tasks, and gives out hefty loans with limited concern for having them recouped. You can get upgrades and home expansions worth thousands — just pay it back whenever!
And yet, we can't help but worry that some day that "understanding" will catch up to us. What happens when you let too many bells hang over your head? Does your furniture get repossessed? Do Timmy and Tommy refuse to sell you to you? Does Tom show up with a wooden-block chair, some extra tight Bunny Day Glow Garland, and a flimsy baseball bat to teach you a lesson?! Yikes.
5. Isabelle has a drinking problem.
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Every morning, the inhabitants of ACNHreceive local news updates from Isabelle — a franchise favorite and member of the Resident Services staff whose life teeters on the verge of collapse.
It seems the charming Shih Tzu can't make it through a single broadcast without the courage provided to her by a mysterious brown beverage. OK, it could be iced tea, soda, or watered-down coffee. But one would think even a sip of caffeine would keep her train of thought more on track. She gets distracted, confused, and hopelessly lost nearly every morning.
What's more, there's little to indicate Isabelle has it together outside of her daily updates. Does she ever change clothes? Does she ever go home? Why did she come here? What is she hiding??
4. Your island is a simulation from which you cannot escape.
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What if you're the only resident experiencing this island as reality?
In a haunting-yet-delightful conspiracy theory posted to Twitter, one player detailed their belief that Tom Nook has set up a Truman Show-like simulation where everyone is actor but you. The theorist didn't speculate on Tom's motivation, but it's easy enough to imagine.
We've never seen anyone else spending bells, and the bells we get back from Timmy and Tommy are our own. We're just bank rolling this entire operation. How did we even get here? What happened to our families? Can we escape or is this just life now?!
3. The Nook economy is built on child labor and they need our help.
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This one isn't a fan theory. It's a fact. Timmy and Tommy, two of ACNH's most reliable vendors, are children. Daisy Mae, the sole keeper of the Turnip Stock Market, is also a child.
SEE ALSO: Nintendo confirms Mr. Resetti lost his job thanks to 'Animal Crossing: New Horizons'Under the control of Tom Nook and Daisy Mae's off-screen "grandmother," these kiddos are responsible for the majority of retail labor on our islands. Open everyday from 8 a.m. to 10 p.m., Timmy and Tommy's "Nook's Cranny" doesn't even allow for breaks. There are laws to protect against this kind of injustice. We just have to make a case to Nintendo.
2. Something very, very bad happened to Curlos.
Curlos, a smug sheep with exceptional taste in rain gear, is one of the more pleasant villagers to welcome onto your island — but a disturbing conversation surrounding his workout plan has one Redditor concerned. Why was he screaming? Does he even have a basement? Oh, Curlos.
1. Zipper T. Bunny will have his revenge.
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Since Bunny Day hype began at the beginning of April, Animal Crossing malcontents have harassed one Zipper T. Bunny with unrelenting cruelty. There have been insults, net attacks, and memes. So many memes. Mashable staff writer Jess Joho even claims to have murdered him.
But there are those who believe Zipper T. will have his revenge. No one really knows what April 12 Bunny Day will bring. We hope for fun festivities. We fear the worst. All hail, Zipper T. Remember some of us did nothing wrong and actually liked all the eggs.
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Topics Gaming